Why Risk It?
by madwriter223
Summary: Herbert has noticed a pattern. Dan is utterly confused by it. Humor, a bit of Fluff, Friendship


AN: Dear Lord, I don't even remember how many years this had been gathering dust on my computer.  
The characterisations might be a bit off, but please excuse that. This is the first fic I ever wrote for this fandom. ^_^  
Please Enjoy.

**Why Risk It?**

Kim sent him one last withering glare then left, slamming the door behind her. Dan sighed in relief and slumped back against the couch. He hated breaking up with girls, but it was something that had to be done. When an experiment didn't yield the desired results, it was time to end the experiment. Herbert would agree. Then again, considering the desired result was finding another Meg, Dan was probably doomed to fail.

Francesca had been close, but not enough. So had Becky. And Janine. Marianne he refused to even remember, that had been a disaster from the start. And Kim. Sweet, beautiful, intelligent, great in bed Kim. Her only flaw was that she liked to talk. A lot. Seriously, there were times it seemed like Dan was going to be talked to death. Even Herbert started avoiding her like the plague, hiding in the basement since the moment she parked her car in front of their house.

Come to think of it, that was another flaw. Herbert had at least been pleasant (for him, at least) to all of Dan's other girlfriends. Not with Kim, though. Instead, he's been hunkered down in his lab, probably building another body parts jigsaw puzzle.

Dan shook his head in fond exasperation, then heaved himself onto his feet. Better go check up on his resident mad scientist.

Herbert was not working. That surprised Dan more than the actual sight of Herbert in an apron and holding a feather duster. Not only that, he _was_ dusting, running the feathers carefully along their shelves and against the cabinets. A broom stood leaning against the wall, small swept up piles of dust scattered here and there on the floor. Dan wasn't even aware that it had gotten so dirty down here. Come to think of it, Dan hadn't really been down here lately. Too busy trying to make it with Kim to 'do anything productive' as Herbert would say. He hadn't even talked that much with the little lunatic. Trying to make things work with Kim had taken up so much of his time that he hadn't even bothered.

Being with someone hadn't taken this much effort in all of his previous relationships. Not to mention how glad he was to finally be rid of her. What exactly had he seen in her again? Oh yeah, she had Meg's eyes. And was great in the sack. Oh God, she was so great in the sack.

The tip of the feather duster bobbed him on the nose, and Dan sneezed.

"What'd you do that for?" he demanded, rubbing the dust off his face.

"To get your attention." Herbert said, matter-of-fact. "I've tried calling your name, twice I might add, but as that lacked effect, I tried a different tactic."

Dan blinked and rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry. Got lost in thought."

"I gathered." Herbert put the duster on the table, then grabbed the broom. "Why are you here, Dan?" he asked as he started sweeping. "It is far too early for your woman to have left, so I assume this is important."

Dan frowned slightly. "You know how long my dates last?"

"Yes. They last until breakfast the next morning. As it is not breakfast time, I assume your latest beau is waiting for you upstairs."

"Well, you assume wrong." Herbert paused in his sweeping to raise an eyebrow at him. "I broke up with her."

"You did? Excellent!" Herbert actually grinned at him. "I can finally return to my work!"

Dan did a double take. "What do you mean, get back to work?" He looked around the lab and realized there were no body parts strewn about. No zombies howling, no grotesque things of sewn-together limbs. No nothing.

"Wait." Dan said, stepping further into the basement. "Are you telling me you stopped working on your reagent?"

"I would think that is obvious." Herbert said, a note of exasperation in his voice.

"Why?" Dan demanded, scratching the back of his head in confusion.

"Because you were in another relationship." As if it was obvious. It really wasn't.

"So, wait. Wait wait wait. Are you trying to tell me that you haven't been working on the reagent the whole time I've been with Kim?"

"I do not see the purpose of repeating the same thing several times, but yes."

Dan sputtered, the facts still not connecting for him. "I've been with Kim for a month, and you've been holed down here for most of that time! What have you been doing down here if not working? Cleaning?!"

"Not all the time. I revised my notes, disposed of my more unstable specimens, brewed seven different batches of reagent, organized my bookshelves, knitted a sweater, debugged the computer, did standard maintenance on the generator and the equipment, and yes, Dan. I cleaned as well. Well, not clean_ed_ because I'm not done yet, but you understand."

Nope, Dan really didn't. "_Why_?"

"Because, Daniel," It was spoken slowly, as if to a dimwitted child. "dirt and dust can contaminate our specimens or our reagent. If that happens, our experiments might have a boo-boo, then turn into pooh."

"Thank you for that lovely visual." Dan said sarcastically. "It still doesn't explain why you weren't working on your zombies." Herbert opened his mouth to argue. "Sorry, reanimates. And don't expect me to believe that you stopped your experiments so you wouldn't freak out my girlfriend."

Herbert scoffed. "Don't be absurd, Dan."

"So just tell me. Use small words and an insulting tone if you must, but tell me."

Herbert stared at him for a few moments, then cocked his head to the side. "You don't see the pattern." It wasn't a question.

"What pattern?" Talking with Herbert wasn't usually this confounding.

"When I was recuperating from the Bride fiasco, I had a lot of time to think. So I analysed the events leading to the failure. Then I analysed the disaster with Hill and what I believe led to it. I noticed a pattern."

"Which _is_?" Dan asked, irritated.

"If any woman, including self-made ones, is involved or knows about our work, she will attempt to interfere and eventually drag your attention to herself. Thus, if another Hill or detective comes and it all falls to shit, I will be left to die while you secure her survival, not matter how temporary her affections for you might be."

Dan spluttered. "That's... that's not a pattern!"

"It's already happened twice, Dan." Herbert pointed out in a reasonable tone. "And considering I was bedridden for a month after the first one, and for four months after the second one, I believe a third time might actually kill me."

Dan had to sit down, immediately, so he slid down onto the stairs. "So, basically, you think me being with a woman will kill you."

"No, Dan. You being with a woman heightens the possibility of my dying should another plagiarist or wife beater rear his vile head. No pun intended to Hill."

"Herbert. You know that's not true."

"Well, two times does not prove a hypothesis, you're correct. But the probability is still too high for me to risk the safety of me or my reagent."

Dan stared at him. "You really believe that."

"Of course. It's quite clear once you've examined all the facts."

So Dan sat there and thought. He remembered how he'd tried to help Herbert in the Muskatonic morgue, but he'd given up quickly as saving Herbert then meant moving a little away from Meg. He thought of how fully he'd been prepared to leave Herbert in Peru, he'd already been stepping away from him and towards Francesca right before that madman rushed in and stabbed him in the gut. And Dan recalled how, as the Bride was falling apart, he hadn't even spared Herbert a thought.

True, Herbert was arrogant, pompous, self-involved and quite possibly a sociopath. But he'd stayed with Dan after Meg died, distracting him from a bottle or a gun even with eight broken ribs. It was Herbert who took care of him when Dan had a near-infected hole in his abdomen. Goddammit, Herbert had even _made_ him a fucking woman so that Dan wouldn't be lonely without Meg. He deserved a little better from Dan.

"You're right." Dan admitted, looking up at Herbert. "I'm sorry."

"Never mind that. Help clean this place up and we can return to our research." Herbert paused. "I will need a brain. And possibly an eyeball."

Dan smiled softly. He got up and caught Herbert around the waist, hugging him tightly.

"Dan! Release me at once!"

"I'm sorry I left you for dead." Dan said sincerely, nuzzling Herbert's hair.

"I'm well aware it's not your fault you're a slave to your basic animal instincts and urges." Herbert grumbled.

Dan chuckled. "I promise to try my best to save you next time, even if there's a woman present."

Herbert was quiet for a moment, then relaxed slightly into the ongoing embrace. "I'll appreciate that, I'm sure."

They stayed like that for a moment more, then Herbert started to once again try to wiggle out of Dan's hold. "Now let me go and grab a broom." he said imperiously. "We need to finish cleaning, then find a subject for our next experiment. Do you know if there are any fresh ones down in the morgue?"

Dan had to smile at his eagerness. "There should be, yeah."

"One of yours?"

"Nope."

"Excellent. Why are you still standing around? Chop, chop, Dan! We have much to do!"

Dan let him go and grabbed the broom. He started sweeping, listening as Herbert explained his latest theory on improving the reagent.

The End


End file.
